This us Jane. She is a cancer survivor and her husband has been diagnosed with a brain tumor. Jane need us all to pull together and help her find the COURAGE to triumph in this struggle. I snagged a hug from Jane when I met her just before leaving Mesquite. Jane has been working at Virgin River Hotel & Casino for 11 years. She's not giving up but we all need to show our support.
Please hear this and other stories from the road on Ride for Courage '09. --Carlana
I've heard Melissa and Chris talk about feeling angry and alone. I've read about putting up walls and building barriers. There's always been a disconnect with me - a feeling that this isn't my husbands career, he didn't "choose" this, he's just enlisted so we could get on our feet. He's not a soldier. He's my husband. He's Bella's daddy.
How could I be so naive? So stupid? It doesn't matter if he "chose" this or not; it's happening either way. And as I sit here and wait, I feel every single one of those feelings Melissa and Chris have described. I'm angry. I'm unbelievably sad. I cry at the drop of a hat. I try to be strong- for him and for our daughter. I nag. Nag him to pay attention, to make friends with other guys in the unit - if he learns what he needs to know and has friends watching out for him, then he'll be ok. I worry every minute of every day. Pray that they don't call him today, pray that we have enough time to adjust to him leaving before he has to go.
Still, even knowing we are living on borrowed time, I feel the walls already. When did they get there? How did they get there? He rolls over in bed to hold me and I move as far away as possible. He leans down to kiss me in the kitchen and I turn my cheek to him. This isn't what I want. I don' want to spend the little time we have left arguing, crying, fighting over nonsense. But I can't help it. I don't know how to help it.
How do people live this way?
I spent all afternoon cleaning. I hate cleaning. I've finally figured out why I hate it so much: it gives me too much time to think. My mind just goes in circles and I harp on all sorts of yucky thoughts. My mood quickly turns surly and I'm mean to everyone around me (my poor baby!). But, after two rooms of misery, I figured out something that helped. So, without further ado, I give you some Pissed-Off Poetry and Other Senseless Dawdlings of the Mind.
Anger, Resentment beating at the door,
I swat at it with Hope and Naivete.
You made a choice, a split decision
And now we both have burdens to bear.
I wonder, Is yours as heavy as mine?
--------------------------------------------------
There you sit, my Love
With that look upon your face.
I wonder where you are
But I know the answer all too well.
You're far, far away
In a place you can't escape.
Round and round you go,
When you'll stop, you don't even know.
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Polka-dot panties and Sexy negligee,
Try as I might,
It just doesn't feel right.
This I can see,
Is a problem with me.
Love is not enough
To conquer everything within.
I can't give you what you need,
When all you do is take so much from me.
------------------------------------------------
Does she sleep enough at night?
Will she hold her head up high?
Will she meet a stand-up guy
And be able to look him in the eye?
All the smiling faces
And all the pretty places
Don't mean anything in the world
If you can't be proud of who you are.
I try my hardest every day
To make sure she goes the right way.
But I can't change what's inside,
I can't fight the riptide.
She'll do what she's gonna do,
Even if it leaves her black and blue.
But I'll be there on my knees,
To pick up every little piece.
------------------------------------------
An incredible thing is happening here. It is virtually impossible to touch. It is frightening and dangerous and absolutely unbelievable.
An idea, a concept, is coming to fruition in front of my eyes. Although I have experienced the machinations of the human imagination and the various stages of development and coddling and tweaking and manipulating that are so characteristic of any great labor...never before have I witnessed the emotional and spiritual latencies produced by a solitary noble endeavor.
When I first met Ms. Carlana Stone I was instantly struck by her spitfire personality and overwhelming charm. She was the easiest friend I've ever made. It is easy to love Carlana. She welcomed me into her world and life and introduced me to the astronomical vision that is The Courage Community.
Although a dreamer, I am plagued by an intrinsic consideration for realism. However, through the preliminary trials and tribulations of erecting a worldwide non-profit organization, Ms. Carlana Stone, has shown me the glory in succumbing to big dreams, and overcoming metaphysical conditions.
Carlana and I spent many early hours and many late nights painting the pavement for her beautiful vision. She brought me into a world only describable through metaphorical renderings of rainbows and unicorns. “Think tangible,” I would say. “We’ll get there eventually,” I would reiterate.
“I know, I know,” Carlana would respond…
But Carlana does things her way, and I do things mine. And when it comes to dreaming, Carlana does things right. Dreaming can be very overwhelming, particularly when you join someone else’s dream and try to make it your own. Dreaming, on occasion, can be so overwhelming that we willingly abandon our dreams for a life of complacency.
I used to search for complacency; consumed by the ideology that breaking even was a better life than the possibility of trying and failing.
When I am overwhelmed by my dreams, I return my focus on a more tangible reality, which tends to be much more overwhelming.
And when my dreams prove too overwhelming and my reality the same, I disappear into a place I rarely acknowledge and never discuss.
I’ve been latent for more than a year, stuck in an eternal state of overwhelming dreams and overwhelming reality. Almost a year. Do you realize how many moments that adds up to? Too many. A year of unutilized moments may as well be a lifetime. Well, it may as well be MY lifetime.
And a few weeks ago, it hit me. And it hurt. And I ran.
Sometimes I turn around and am faced with my greatest incompetence. Sometimes I run away and hide. Sometimes I lack courage. Often I lack the courage to communicate.
The Courage Community carries a message that I helped write but failed to embrace until recently. We all have something to run away from. For most of us, it is easier to displace our dreams than embrace our reality.
“Think tangible,” has gotten me nowhere. “We’ll get there eventually,” has rendered me static.
The Courage Community is about big dreams, impossible personal plights and unrelenting resolve. We must…I must…embrace myself, with and for my community, to enable and illicit change for the greater human good. When life is overwhelming, we must communicate. Only then can we have the courage to conquer our most habitual personal dilemmas. Only when we embrace the caring community, can we learn to care about ourselves.
Something big is happening here. And it is terrifying. And I have Ms. Carlana Stone to thank for it. We all do. But ultimately, in the same selfless verbiage that consumes her daily gospel, she would defer credit to a communal effort…to the greater good. That is Carlana Stone and that is The Courage Community.
Come from a long line of heroes: my Daddy. His four brothers. His son (my brother). Cousins.
Who am I, to follow in their bootsteps? A woman wanting to serve her country. A woman who needed work. A woman who wanted to travel.
Joined the USAF, came to Texas, was a medical services specialist/technician. Injured twice on the job, was granted a honorable discharge after 2 years in service.
Never left Texas. So much for travel ...
Enjoyed my tour while I was in. Do I miss it? Yes. Even 25 years later.
Have my family to thank. They were, and are, excellent role models. My Daddy, and his four brothers, my Uncles, follow Heaven's orders now. I miss them.
*StormSpinner*
I'm ROUD! Being proud is not a bad thing, at least NOT THIS ROUD. All of us have gifts of mind, body or spirit. I think that one understanding of PROUD is the feeling WHEN we give the best we have from the highest we know.
In order to have that feeling, however, in a sustained way is to sensitize our selves outside of ourselves in our everyday encounters so that our ability to SEE and RESPOND to the NEEDS of others is obvious. Remember the feeling..... when you gave someone something unselfishly, and expected no reward? That's the feeling I'm talking about when I say PROUD.
We, individually can be PROUD of whatever we have to give and give it. That gift may be lending a listening ear, a soft word of comfort, assisting someone in peril, an agreement for some one's cause, money, or a simple smile that lifts spirits....including yours. The usual residual is that others will follow. We make ourselves PROUD when we do that.
The Courage Community, it seems to me, offers a conduit for us to make ourselves PROUD as we join this community and interact with one another to lift the spirits and tend the physical and emotional needs of our service men & women as they have made themselves PROUD in giving unselfishly for all of us and each other.
I am PROUD that Carlana takes this approach with the Courage Community. No one is limited by their disabilities whether they lost a limb from an IRD, or had an accident that has altered the way they live. Carlana's upbeat personification that "I am not defined by my disability" stretches to all of us and demands a response to LIVING the best we know.
The Courage Community offers us that opportunity of LIVING and being PROUD as it challenges us as we look to those service men & women who have given so much for each of us so that we can be fulfilled and PROUD of what we have to give. Let's go and make PROUD.
WHAT'S PARALYZING YOU?
Terrible things can happen at anytime. To any one of us.
Sometimes we can see them coming, and other times they can hit us like a line drive and shatter everything we know in one seemingly endless moment.
The journey back from tragedy is not always easy or pain-free. Adversities are challenges. We can allow them to consume us or we can use them as tools to become better human beings.
I might have lost the use of my legs, the most critical element of my identity (during that phase of my life;) however, I found something much stronger and more everlasting.
Essentially, my paralysis has put me in the unique position to see how alike we all are. I've learned along the way that paralysis comes in many forms. A divorce, the loss of a job or losing a loved one - these things can leave us feeling emotionally paralyzed.
I believe our mutual struggles help us gain strength and insight from one another.
Through sharing our challenges, my hope is for us to realize a chance to grow together.
There have always been brave women. And the coincidence of the brave woman pictured above - Muriel Gardiner - and the title of your Her War podcast was too great for me to ignore. I am writing a biography of Muriel, titled Her War: The True Story of an American Heiress in the Austrian Resistance.
Gardiner, living in Vienna during the 1930s, a single mother, a medical student, became involved in the resistance against the Austrian Nazi movement. She hid people wanted by the Nazis in her apartment and in her cottage in the Vienna Woods, smuggled illegal passports into Austria from Czechoslovakia, and paid for passage for those most in danger using her considerable inheritance.
Her War will be published by Palgrave Macmillan in 2010 or 2011. I welcome your questions or comments at isenberg@hvc.rr.com
Best regards,
Sheila Isenberg
I was asked what did I bring home from Iraq?
What did I bring home? .........Let me tell you I was raised as a
catholic....I truly believe.....without a doubt, .on my mothers grave,,,
...I saw the eyes of satan over there. I saw true hate and anger and rage in
Iraq! It found its way into me.... I watched a 10 year old boy
walk onto a public bus and as I watched him walking to the rear of the
bus.....he detonated himself! 16 innocent people died that day !
I have started this group for Iraqi Veterans...... (Military Veterans and Contractors) I have toured Iraq as a PSD team leader for a Private Contractor. My name is j0k3r , I lost iCe.
So I wish to dedicate this group to those Iraqi Vets who have lost...In honor of Tony Thompson . For now this is all I can say.....
21 y/o - active duty soldier in the Army, (name witheld) -
returned from Ramadi with his unit in April 2008 and went through
re-integration process at his base for about 3
weeks; went on leave (like a 30-day vacation to visit family) then returned in May back to his base to report for regular
work days. At this time, his fellow soldiers noticed thier friend was exhibiting signs of distress, turning to alcohol to self-medicate -
facing with issues of his wife filing divorce amongst the various
challenges associated with the aftermath of war and the the reemergence
to civilian life.
Several of his unit members recognized that their friend was indeed
suffering and encouraged to get help. the soldier was enrolled into the Army
substance abuse program (ASAP) and encouraged to seek mental assistance
through programs offered through the Army.
the soldier scheduled an appt with the mental assistance program and was
released to go back to his appointed base, upon conclusion that his
needs were not urgent and didn't deem immediate attention; an appt was
scheduled for a return visit. he was unable to receive immediate
assessment or help due to the influx of soldiers who had applied for
mental assistance.
the soldier continued to display signs of serious depression, heavy
alcohol abuse and violent fits of anger. his unit members, having
known him so well, his brothers if you will, report that his fits of
anger were escalating and alcohol abuse was running rampant.
the aformentioned soldier showed up to his scheduled appt with the army's mental
assistance program, begging for help and was told to leave and come
back at a later date, because he was not accompanied his 1st sgt or
commander.
One week ago, the soldier was with friends at a BBQ and he after drinking,
left in a rage... on the back roads of his town, he wrecked his car
resulting in a head injury and broken back and neck. many of his unit
members and "brothers" question whether the accident was indeed an
attempt to kill himself. each of them has asked themselves and
speculate that it was indeed a suicide attempt. he had reached 130 mph
while driving (with no passengers) - to return to his home. nobody
knows for sure.
Currently, the soldier is in the hospital, where he remains
comatose, somewhat responsive to request to "try and move your hands or
feet", but is not fully "awake." His outlook is grim. His family
has traveled from their home residence to be at his hospital bedside during
this critical time. His Acting Platoon Sgt is overseeing his stay in the
hospital.
This is a tragedy. and only one of many. this soldier is a unit member of a personal close friend of mine. Fortunatly, my
friend, a Sgt who served almost 3 years in combat in the hot zones, has returned home safely Thank GOD seeing his wife and
22 month old child... A child whose first two years, he missed out on.
Doctors have said, "one day at a time. a hole
has been drilled in the soldier's head to release the pressure from his brain.
doctors warn that this is a critical stage and it is still not clear
whether he will pull through.
we can all hope and pray for the best. and we are. please keep this soldier and the thousands of others who suffer in your thoughts and prayers. together we are working to make a difference in the live of those who need us the very most.
we're not here to point fingers nor are we here to place blame. we're here to help . please join us.
What do you do when after 2 1/2 years the pain gets worse and the marriage turns into a divorce. I am losing the house that my 2 step sons are living in. The whole reason i went to Iraq was to give 2 children that came from a very abusive family (Their Biological Father) now with their Mother them, a place to call home. I raised them, with their mother ( my ex-wife) as my own sons since they were babies. I toured Kosovo and then Iraq. I did this to make enough money to provide them a place to call home. I returned from Iraq and now my whole life is a complete failure.....I failed them!
The nightmares returned and the mood swings have worsened. I hate the person who I have become! I hear all the time that it will get easier.....im waiting.....nothing has gotten easier. In weeks, my 2 stepsons and their mother. will be homeless. The screwed up part is that I really would turn the clock back if i could. I am soooooooo lost and now work 7 days a week to put off the thoughts of reality!
So what should I do?
Just wondering if there is herbal medicne for PTSD. Don't feel comfortable taking the meds. that my VA doc is giving me. I have taken Zoloft, Paxil and another one I can't remember. All haven't worked. Either makes me jittery, tired all day or even worse.. Need help......can anyone help?
Thanks,
Charles Voakes
Sgt.
82nd Airborne Div.
Very "uptight" and restless... lots of anger, sleeplessness, drinking heavy and anxiety....part of me wishes that I had died over there ........ Instead.....
I had to come home to nothing but freaking problems!
I want to go back so the pain will go away.
I hate this life
Just
one reason why.......
I was one of four Americans contracted as a PSD (Protective Security Detail) member for a Private Security Company in Iraq. I lived in what they call the "Red Zone". (This is one of those areas in Iraq that is not under direct control of the US Military......it is where the bad guys live!) I have conducted over 640 missions. Travelled from as far south as Najaf to as far north as Kurdistan and from Baghdad to as far west as Abu Kamal, Syria. I have seen, done, and watched things that I wish I never did. I have been blown up 7 times, ambushed by an insurgent group of at least 150 insurgents that was controlled by Muqtada al-Sadr and formed after Abu Musab al-Zarqawi was killed. And I was almost captured during that ambush. I have 3 confirmed kills by the US Military and the R.O.C. and lost 6 team mates....one of which was American who took my place on my mission while I was away. I fought Insurgents in gun fights side by side with the US Military.
When I returned home to America...I was either thrown to the curb, or I would get pathetic bullshit lines like...." I know what you're going through" as they pat you on the shoulder; or "You need to get over this and put it past you" with their stern approach; or they try to compare their pathetic life with what we experienced in Iraq..... Or, this is the best.... "Did you kill anyone”, they will ask with a fill of excitement as though they were asking if you won something at a carnival.
The problem with the contractors.....is that, “We” too, answered the call from our great President to fight for our flag, our freedom, and our country.”We" served our country in the same manner as our US Military troops. "We" fought side by side with them. A lot of us even saw more combat then the US Military troops...
YET;
"We" returned home to a country who wants nothing to do with us!! "We" returned home to a country that will NOT acknowledge us for what we did. "We" returned home to a country who won't even say "Thank You"!! "We" returned home to a country that is not ours anymore...... "We" returned home to a place that treats us like a plague, a cancer and all because they feel we made enough money to take care of these life long issues ourselves....!!
So now the money is gone and my own country who I thought I was doing right by, who I fought for, now will do nothing to help me with my headaches, my outburst of crying for no reason, my nightmares, my flashbacks, my mood swings, my depression, my skin rashes, my lesions and growths on my legs, or my symptoms of PTSD all stemming from IRAQ.....any yet as a US Military troop, All of my medications, all of my appointments and treatments and not to mention my Mortgage and my bills, etc., etc. are all being worked into every political agenda, major companies are giving Military troops all kinds of help.
So now when a contractor who toured Iraq sees all the compassion given to the US Military, all the open arms....and the assistance given to them, the pain and hurt intensify.... and he turns to a negative solution. Then maybe, because nobody will help him and he can't afford help on his own.....maybe then this contractor will ease the pain himself and self medicate, or start drinking all hours of the day; now with this comes the physical abuse to his loved ones, The mental abuse that causes his wife to call 911 because the contractor just went on a rampage and then when the police arrive they draw tasers and guns on him. The contractor then feels so hopeless that he enters his life of crime and either OD’s, commits suicide, goes to jail or gets killed.
You see. It wasn't about the money.... It was about, "Honor", "Valor", "Cohesion", "Unity", "Loyalty" It was, for me at least....A responsibility to my country to serve side by side with the worlds finest Military. I voluntarily gave up everything for my country and without question.....And now feel as though I don't belong here anymore.....I feel like I am not wanted in this country.
Now, as for the money: The money has been gone to take care of my responsibilities on the home front (my children, my wife and my bills )before I even came back home!!!
The pain will never go away!
The men and women who fought in Iraq will always be dear in my heart. I will always honor them. No matter whether a Military Troop or a Contractor......You will always be my family.
Before my husband enlisted in the army, we were two neo-hippies living in Montana, loving the mountains and breathing the air. He had been in the Reserves for years, and his contract was up, so we married, headed out to Montana, and never looked back.
We started looking forward not too long after we moved to Montana. 9/11 was just a year earlier, and David still felt a pull to be in the army. So, he enlisted, we headed toward a military life, and six years later, we are a family of four, getting ready to move to another base and another town.
Sometimes I do want to scream at someone, especially after two deployments, a year of OCS school, and another deployment on the horizon, but it really wouldn't do any good. He gets angry too, but that pull to serve still burns inside him. And my love for him burns inside me. So, we try to make the best of it and move on. Really, what else can we do?
In order to deal with the deployments and the times we miss each other, I wrote a book called, The Day After He Left for Iraq. It explains how I dealt with a deployment and how we continue to work and live within the army lifestyle, and our marriage.
There never is an easy way to be apart for a year and then thrown back together. It really doesn't get any easier no matter how many times they leave. But, what I hope to always remember is that day I married him. The love we share. The kids we adore. And the promises we made to each other. Sure, another deployment will nearly break us. But, until there is no way to hear his voice, touch him again, or read his words on paper, there will always be a way for him to come home to me. And there will always be a way for me to find myself back in his arms. I have to believe that.
This is what runs through my head 24/7 because one of my men got killed! And I let it happen! I hate this f*&%$ing life! This is my punishment for letting him die! .........the bitch of it all is that this is just one of 7 friends who were KIA.
I just got diagnosed with PTSD.... I don't know how to feel about that. My doctor tells me that he would like me to get a CAT Scan because while I was in Iraq, I was blown up 6 times and 2 of those times my vehicle rolled over. Then on a seperate mission, I got a concusion from slaming my forehead into an inch and a half thick bullet proof windshield. He wants a CAT scan because there could be a possibility that I may have TBI.
I somewhat feel a little relieved because It would explain my vision and memory lose at times. I still get the headaches and major mood swings and I get all teary eyed once and awhile... I wish.....I could understand more. I still notice that people walk on egg shells when I am around and that bothers me.
Thank you for allowing me to vent here. I feel like your my family.
The management of chronic pain has long been a necessity for many patients, whether the pain stems from a previous injury, disease, underlying health condition, or any other source. The fact of the matter is that when a patient has constant or consistent pain, it must be treated in the safest and most efficient way possible.
There are no universally accepted classifications of pain management techniques in the medical field. Instead, pain management techniques are roughly organized by how invasive they are. Some techniques, such as physical therapy, are considered entirely non-invasive and do not inherently involve the use of any pain medications. Other pain management techniques, such as pain medications (including pain rubs, salves, and lotions), are purely pharmacologic in nature, meaning that they only involve the use of medication. Still other techniques fall into more than one category, such as pain management injections, which invasively introduce pain medication into the body.
There are multiple over-the-counter (non-prescription) and prescription medications that can be helpful in relieving pain. Careful attention to pain management is a critical component of a patient’s eventual recovery and rehabilitation (if that is seen as possible), as acute or chronic pain can lead to depression, difficulty sleeping, and difficulty exercising and stretching, all of which in turn can exacerbate and prolong your pain.
Some of the most common medications for chronic and acute pain management are:
Our pain management centers and mobile pain management physicians are dedicated to assisting you in managing your chronic pain. We have physicians in all 50 states to perform physical, face-to-face visits with you and get an idea of what your pain management needs and goals are, and design a pain management plan to fit your individual needs.
Contact our pain management physicians today for a same-day appointment in your city!
I am told that I am ruined for life! That Iraq changed me so bad, that I am nothing more then a hollow shell of the man I once was.
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