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Admittedly, I'm a control freak! My daddy sent me this beautiful photo which he took as the sun set in Anna Maria Island where my parents live.
Attached to the phenomenal picture of the awe-inspring sunset was this important message:
A Sunset Philosophy
(adopted from Dr. Carl Rogers)
"I have come to think that one of the most satisfying experiences I know and also one of the most growth promoting experiences for the other person is just fully appreciate this individual in the same way I appreciate a sunset.
People are just as wonderful sunsets if I can just let them be. In fact, perhaps the reason we can truly appreciate a sunset is that we cannot control it. When I look at a sunset as I did the other evening, I don't find myself saying, 'Soften the orange a little on the right hand corner, and put on a bit more purple along the base, and use a little more pink in the cloud color.' I don't do that. I don't try to control the sunset. I watch it with all as it unfolds.
I like myself best when I can experience my staff member, my son, my daughter, in the same way, appreciating the unfolding of a life... A person who is loved appreciatively, not possessively, blooms, and develops his own unique self. The person who loves non-possessively is himself enriched."
Terrible things can happen at anytime. To any one of us.
Sometimes we can see them coming, and other times they can hit us like a line drive and shatter everything we know in one seemingly endless moment.
The journey back from tragedy is not always easy or pain-free. Adversities are challenges. We can allow them to consume us or we can use them as tools to become better human beings.
I might have lost the use of my legs, the most critical element of my identity (during that phase of my life;) however, I found something much stronger and more everlasting.
Essentially, my paralysis has put me in the unique position to see how alike we all are. I've learned along the way that paralysis comes in many forms. A divorce, the loss of a job or losing a loved one - these things can leave us feeling emotionally paralyzed.
I believe our mutual struggles help us gain strength and insight from one another.
Through sharing our challenges, my hope is for us to realize a chance to grow together.
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When you're in denial, there's nothing more annoying than someone wanting you to talk about things like feelings and fears. I've learned (still am) that when I'm in denial, Fear Dominates!
Following most traumatic occurences in my life, I tend to run from reality and masterfully devise the perfect escape route. A hide-out. Kinda like the treehouse i remember as a kid. I would retreat to that treehouse in a desperate attempt to protect myself from the evil that lurked all around me.
For me, Denial had become a matter of self-preservation, in addition to my overwhelming desire, my need to protect my family from more pain. More hurt. As far as I was concerned, the task that lay before me while daunting at times, was still something I could handle... alone. I mean, c'mon. I was a gymnast. I was strong. I was a survivor. I just wanted to spare everyone I loved from any more pain. I mean, I can handle it. I just couldn't stand seeing how much pain this whole thing was causing them.
However, in retrospect, I realize that by doing so, I created the proverbial situation of no one wanting to address the elephant in the room.
I've learned over the years, that at some point, in order to make it through - in order to Evolve - we must acknowledge the beast!
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Well, let’s see, I’ve been sitting here for 23 years now. So yeah, I think it’s safe to say that it’s pretty permanent. I’ve learned to bathe and clothe myself. I use a wheelchair but I can still drive a car, however I prefer riding my Harley. I can’t walk, but I can fly…
Whether it’s been a reporter interviewing me for my first solo flight as a paraplegic, or someone I meet on the street or in a grocery store or night club -
Each and every time I go out, I hear the same questions asked. My responses, at times, may sound “rehearsed” or “polished,” or not genuine enough – probably because I’ve answered them close to a million times.
So, let’s address the proverbial elephant in the room…
Here are some of those questions I get …
HOW WERE YOU INJURED? IS THIS PERMANENT?
WHAT IS YOUR RELATIONSHIP LIKE WITH THE OTHER PEOPLE WHO WERE IN THE CAR THAT NIGHT? DID Y’ALL EVER TALK ABOUT WHAT HAPPENED?
HAVE YOU FORGIVEN THE PERSON DRIVING THE CAR? HOW DO YOU THINK THE DRIVER FEELS?
HAVE YOU EVER FOUND YOURSELF IN DENIAL?
WHAT ABOUT FEELINGS OF GUILT?
DO YOU EVER HAVE DAYS WHEN YOU FEEL SORRY FOR YOURSELF?
DID YOU EVER CONSIDER KILLING YOURSELF?
WHAT’S THE BIGGEST CHALLENGE YOU’VE FACED BEING IN A WHEELCHAIR?
DO YOU EVER GET JEALOUS OF PEOPLE WHO CAN WALK?
CAN YOU STILL HAVE SEX?
ARE YOU STILL ABLE TO HAVE CHILDREN?
From time to time, I'll be posting some VERY candid responses to these questions (not necessarily in order) No holds-barred honesty.
Here, you’ll see me raw and real. You’ll see me for who I truly am.
Rules here are… there aren’t any… not when it comes to asking questions. So, fire away. Ask anything you want. If I’m not ready to answer it, I’ll let ya know.
And hopefully you’ll feel safe enough to show yourself and share your own unique story and your struggles.
Because we are not alone.
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Okay. As promised, I'm addressing that big bad elephant in the room.
DO I EVER HAVE DAYS WHEN YOU FEEL SORRY FOR YOURSELF?
THEN...
I remember being in physical therapy - and the first "assessment" - I remember being pricked with sharp pins in my legs. I watched as the doctor inserted the sharp pin into my leg, however as i looked on, I felt nothing. My legs were as numb as my emotions. I outright refused to accept what was happening to me. To me! What have I done to deserve this? Well, I rationalized, I made the choice, I paid the price. Suddenly, i felt my world crumbing all around me. "Will I ever be 'normal' again?" I was panicked. But not one living soul was the wiser to my crafty ability to conceal the pain - the Fear -that was stewing inside of me.
And to add insult to injury, following the "pin-prick" test, they measured me for my new wheelchair. Again, I grew distressed and this time, angry... which in my mind, is just another form that Fear takes on. "Why did they think I needed my own chair? Obviously, they don't understand who they were dealing with. This is just temporary" I thought. But somewhere, submerged in my subconscious, I knew. They knew. This isn't just "temporary."
Everywhere I looked were signs of deep-rooted change. My legs were thinning. My ass, once solid as a rock, was beginning to lose its form. These images of the ever-changing landscape of my body raced through my mind - the things so central to my being...my identity. I was literally coming apart and there was nothing in the world I could do to stop it.
The unbearable was quickly becoming the new normal.
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Tonight, John and I had Chinese take-out.
Orange Chicken? Scrumptious.
Spicy Kung Pao. Any day of the week.
Lo Mein. Yummy.
While a tasty Chinese dinner satiates my palate, nothin beats that Fortune-telling delight to finish it off.
I love fortune cookies. While I do notice whether the cookie's fresh and crunchy or old and chewy, it's pretty irrelevant to the fortune inside that predicts my fate.
At times, I'll freely admit, I've found myself searching desperately for any sign of Hope. Yup... even a fortune cookie.
Diggin into the now (almost) empty bag which enveloped the cartons containing the tasty Chinese dinner, I reach in to grab the fortune-telling cookie.
There's no mistaking these cookies are predestined for their recipient. You know the rules. Whichever cookie is pointing toward any given person, that's the one that predicts our future.
Mine read:
"You will have full contentment by summer's end." I taped it to my computer.
More often than not, I find myself latching onto something in the future as holding the promise of hope. But in my mind, I know how critical it is for me to stay in the present. In the moment. All I have is right now. If my mind is so fixated on what "tomorrow" might bring, what happens to today? What am I missing out on this very second? I've discovered that I miss all of the promising things that our Now has to offer.
The longest stretch of highway, they say, is from the mind to the heart.
I'm working on living in the Now.
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Day 1
Part I
We all managed to meet up the early morning of August 16, 2009 for the 1000 plus trek to the Colorado Rockies from Southern California. There was Debbie, the ringleader,
Debbie was unquestionably the ring-leader, tassels flowing from her crimson suede jacket as she leaded the posse. And her Harley, adorned with Debbie's signature style -Tricked out with fishtail pipes - down to the leather tassels blowing in the wind. Debbie is a force to be reckoned with. She rides, speaks, acts, with such confidence and complete jurisdiction that you don't dare question it. She's honest and unapologetic for the person she is and the life she leads. Debbie is a caretaker by nature, - she's earned her stripes and proven her unwavering commitment to those whom she's coddled under her protective wing.
She's got a story of personal ownership, integrity and unshakable self-esteem. Debbie prides herself on her individuality and personal statements. Her character and demeanor mock that of the unique trait of her dressing and style of communication. She's there to make sure everyone is taken care of. No guessing when it comes to her. That's for damn sure. You don't mess with Debbie. A force to be reckoned with. this woman has undoubtedly found her right of passage... and taken it on the road. In less that 6years, Debbie has logged over 110,000 miles on her bike. And she's just getting started.
Eldonna AKA "pinkbikerchic" - master of her domain. very feminine yet badass. great combo. she's a retired Master Sgt in the AirForce - need i say more???
Then there was the ever so confident and quiet, Syl _ who rides a "Naked Ducati" - to be perfectly honest, i was anticipating a naked chick on a Ducati... oh boy. did i have a lot to learn. Sylvia, to me, is silent strength. a woman who is unbreakable, unstoppable, and knows no boundaries. a woman after my own heart. if only i could tap into her "quiet sense of strength" AND even moreso, lack of ego. -she's in it for the personal payoff. i truly believe there is a lot to be said for that. it defines courage. absolute peaceful resolve. in a way, i resent her for that, but even moreso, ADMIRE her and want to learn from her. it hits you "spot on" the minute you meet her. this bitch ain't no victim!!!
i believe fate brought Darlene and me together. I met Darlene literally 5 days before we left. julia dillon and i were hangin out at Starbucks in Los Feliz. I was out telling everyone i knew about the ride, asking to join us on CourageCommunity.org - Ride for Courage - and that's when we met. she doesn't ride but was at a major crossroads in her life. Fate brought us together. Darlene, though not a biker, yearned for some adventure in her life and within 5 minutes of us meeting one another, expressed a desire to join the cause. and come Sunday, the 16th, she showed up at our front door, ready to go... looking more like she was ready for a photo shoot than a 1000-mile cross-country trek on, riding "bitch" on my trike. Darn, this girl's got guts cuz this was the first long cross country trek i'd EVER participated in. BUT NOW I:VE CAUGHT THE BUG!!!
Not bad company. AND THIS JUST MARKED THE BEGINNING!
In 2005, my best friend John DiRienzo helped me realize my dream by signing on to co-author a book, chronicling my life... beginning with the night fate stepped in and changed my life forever. I took "the long way around" -meaning, i made just about every mistake one can in my attempt to rediscover my identity. But likemy daddy has always said, "Dahlin' you don't lose if you don't lose the lesson!"
John acted as my guide - he kept insisting I go deeper & deeper into the painful stuff. Ugh. He even threatened to quit a few times. But he stayed the course, we finished the book in about 6 months, signed with an agent and had an offer from a publisher within 2 months. That's how gifted a writer John is. Incredibly poetic and he wrote in my voice. It's scary sometimes to think how well he knows me. I feel sometimes better than i know myself.
It was hands-down the most cathartic and self-realizing venture to date.
FIRE YOUR THERAPIST and WRITE A BOOK! That's what i say.
Never Give In Never Give Up, was the beginning.
At CrossRoads, I'll be reading excerpts from the book when applicable. And at CrossRoads, no one will be editing the content. No polish and shine. Just raw & real. So look out. I'm delving in even deeper.
In 2005, my best friend John DiRienzo helped me realize my dream by signing on to co-author a book, chronicling my life... beginning with the night fate stepped in and changed my life forever. I took "the long way around" -meaning, i made just about every mistake one can in my attempt to rediscover my identity. But likemy daddy has always said, "Dahlin' you don't lose if you don't lose the lesson!"
John acted as my guide - he kept insisting I go deeper & deeper into the painful stuff. Ugh. He even threatened to quit a few times. But he stayed the course, we finished the book in about 6 months, signed with an agent and had an offer from a publisher within 2 months. That's how gifted a writer John is. Incredibly poetic and he wrote in my voice. It's scary sometimes to think how well he knows me. I feel sometimes better than i know myself.
It was hands-down the most cathartic and self-realizing venture to date.
FIRE YOUR THERAPIST and WRITE A BOOK! That's what i say.
Never Give In Never Give Up, was the beginning.
At CrossRoads, I'll be reading excerpts from the book when applicable. And at CrossRoads, no one will be editing the content. No polish and shine. Just raw & real. So look out. I'm delving in even deeper.
In 2005, my best friend John DiRienzo helped me realize my dream by signing on to co-author a book, chronicling my life... beginning with the night fate stepped in and changed my life forever. I took "the long way around" -meaning, i made just about every mistake one can in my attempt to rediscover my identity. But likemy daddy has always said, "Dahlin' you don't lose if you don't lose the lesson!"
John acted as my guide - he kept insisting I go deeper & deeper into the painful stuff. Ugh. He even threatened to quit a few times. But he stayed the course, we finished the book in about 6 months, signed with an agent and had an offer from a publisher within 2 months. That's how gifted a writer John is. Incredibly poetic and he wrote in my voice. It's scary sometimes to think how well he knows me. I feel sometimes better than i know myself.
It was hands-down the most cathartic and self-realizing venture to date.
FIRE YOUR THERAPIST and WRITE A BOOK! That's what i say.
Never Give In Never Give Up, was the beginning.
At CrossRoads, I'll be reading excerpts from the book when applicable. And at CrossRoads, no one will be editing the content. No polish and shine. Just raw & real. So look out. I'm delving in even deeper.
In 2005, my best friend John DiRienzo helped me realize my dream by signing on to co-author a book, chronicling my life... beginning with the night fate stepped in and changed my life forever. I took "the long way around" -meaning, i made just about every mistake one can in my attempt to rediscover my identity. But likemy daddy has always said, "Dahlin' you don't lose if you don't lose the lesson!"
John acted as my guide - he kept insisting I go deeper & deeper into the painful stuff. Ugh. He even threatened to quit a few times. But he stayed the course, we finished the book in about 6 months, signed with an agent and had an offer from a publisher within 2 months. That's how gifted a writer John is. Incredibly poetic and he wrote in my voice. It's scary sometimes to think how well he knows me. I feel sometimes better than i know myself.
It was hands-down the most cathartic and self-realizing venture to date.
FIRE YOUR THERAPIST and WRITE A BOOK! That's what i say.
Never Give In Never Give Up, was the beginning.
At CrossRoads, I'll be reading excerpts from the book when applicable. And at CrossRoads, no one will be editing the content. No polish and shine. Just raw & real. So look out. I'm delving in even deeper.
In 2005, my best friend John DiRienzo helped me realize my dream by signing on to co-author a book, chronicling my life... beginning with the night fate stepped in and changed my life forever. I took "the long way around" -meaning, i made just about every mistake one can in my attempt to rediscover my identity. But likemy daddy has always said, "Dahlin' you don't lose if you don't lose the lesson!"
John acted as my guide - he kept insisting I go deeper & deeper into the painful stuff. Ugh. He even threatened to quit a few times. But he stayed the course, we finished the book in about 6 months, signed with an agent and had an offer from a publisher within 2 months. That's how gifted a writer John is. Incredibly poetic and he wrote in my voice. It's scary sometimes to think how well he knows me. I feel sometimes better than i know myself.
It was hands-down the most cathartic and self-realizing venture to date.
FIRE YOUR THERAPIST and WRITE A BOOK! That's what i say.
Never Give In Never Give Up, was the beginning.
At CrossRoads, I'll be reading excerpts from the book when applicable. And at CrossRoads, no one will be editing the content. No polish and shine. Just raw & real. So look out. I'm delving in even deeper.
Me during a live show
for those of you who read about my cushion flying off the back of my trike just before we got to keystone. i've skied at Breckenridge Outdoor Education Center so many times before cuz they have a rockin' outdoor program for the physically challenged -
they're holding a make-shift cushion for my tushy! great guys! It's just too cool how people come to your aid when ya just ask...
for those of you who read about my cushion flying off the back of my trike just before we got to keystone. i've skied at Breckenridge Outdoor Education Center so many times before cuz they have a rockin' outdoor program for the physically challenged -
they're holding a make-shift cushion for my tushy! great guys! It's just too cool how people come to your aid when ya just ask...
for those of you who read about my cushion flying off the back of my trike just before we got to keystone. i've skied at Breckenridge Outdoor Education Center so many times before cuz they have a rockin' outdoor program for the physically challenged -
they're holding a make-shift cushion for my tushy! great guys! It's just too cool how people come to your aid when ya just ask...
About 30 miles south of our final stop for Day 2, (Green River) - I decided to hang back and talk to some of the Natives who were selling jewelry. They had all kinds of fetish necklaces and beautiful silver jewelry.
I visited with Rita and Lyndel and Eva... i found out the Native American symbol for Courage is the bear. i decided to buy each girl on the road trip a little memento -
Check out my blog for more details... this stop was one of the most poignant for me. and rejuvenating!
Debbie and Chris struck up a conversation. turns out, Debbie's husband is a veteran too. They shared a lot in common. They had a great visit and totally connected. it was great to see Chris come alive and she was really animated with them. they adored her.
About 30 miles south of our final stop for Day 2, (Green River) - I decided to hang back and talk to some of the Natives who were selling jewelry. They had all kinds of fetish necklaces and beautiful silver jewelry.
I visited with Rita and Lyndel and Eva... i found out the Native American symbol for Courage is the bear. i decided to buy each girl on the road trip a little memento -
Check out my blog for more details... this stop was one of the most poignant for me. and rejuvenating!
Debbie and Chris struck up a conversation. turns out, Debbie's husband is a veteran too. They shared a lot in common. They had a great visit and totally connected. it was great to see Chris come alive and she was really animated with them. they adored her.
About 30 miles south of our final stop for Day 2, (Green River) - I decided to hang back and talk to some of the Natives who were selling jewelry. They had all kinds of fetish necklaces and beautiful silver jewelry.
I visited with Rita and Lyndel and Eva... i found out the Native American symbol for Courage is the bear. i decided to buy each girl on the road trip a little memento -
Check out my blog for more details... this stop was one of the most poignant for me. and rejuvenating!
Debbie and Chris struck up a conversation. turns out, Debbie's husband is a veteran too. They shared a lot in common. They had a great visit and totally connected. it was great to see Chris come alive and she was really animated with them. they adored her.
About 30 miles south of our final stop for Day 2, (Green River) - I decided to hang back and talk to some of the Natives who were selling jewelry. They had all kinds of fetish necklaces and beautiful silver jewelry.
I visited with Rita and Lyndel and Eva... i found out the Native American symbol for Courage is the bear. i decided to buy each girl on the road trip a little memento -
Check out my blog for more details... this stop was one of the most poignant for me. and rejuvenating!
Debbie and Chris struck up a conversation. turns out, Debbie's husband is a veteran too. They shared a lot in common. They had a great visit and totally connected. it was great to see Chris come alive and she was really animated with them. they adored her.
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